After The Abuse: What You Should Do BEFORE Going Into Another Relationship

[Rev. Dr. Dorothy E. Hooks, PsyD]

 

Once you get to the point in your life where you have dealt with the effects from the abusive relationship enough where you feel you can now get into another relationship, make sure the things listed before are done BEFORE you do (I am only listing three things – this is what God gave me). Remember, full recovery can take a long time so don’t get discouraged if it seems like your recovery is not moving along quick enough; recovery depends on how affected you are from the abuse or whatever other traumatic experience you have encountered!! Three things to do BEFORE going into another relationship; God has set you free from the bondage of domestic violence/abuse so you want to make sure you stay free:

 

1. Make sure God has totally delivered and healed you from previous abusive relationships – you have to deal with each relationship issue so you can obtain closure BEFORE going to the next relationship! Your deliverance and healing is not going to happen overnight (it is going to take some time) so be patient and don’t be in a rush to get involved with someone new! Give God time to work in you so you can receive the inner healing you need!! After you come out of the abuse, your emotions are ram shackled, you are vulnerable, you are NOT thinking clearly, you are feeling afraid to step out on your own (although you were abused, you had someone in the house with you), you want to be held, you are feeling alone or don’t want to be alone, you are thinking “I can’t make it without him” or “I can’t make it by myself,” etc.; you will have many, many, many thoughts going through your mind but the most important thing to remember is that you have escaped with your life by the grace of God out of the bondage of domestic violence/abuse! You have been through a lot so God has to take things out of you and put things into you so you can be restored; therefore, let Him do His work. God got you in the palm of His hand and He will NEVER let you go – He will carry you through your recovery process!!  

The effects from the abusive relationship is NOT going to go away just because you are not dealing with what happened to you – the traumatic events will lie dormant in you and as soon as something similar happens to you it will trigger what you previously went through – sometimes these triggers will cause you to lash out at others (whether you are in a relationship with them, friends, family, etc.) – you may think that you are “okay” but please, deal with whatever has happened to you in the past that affects your emotions!!

I know what I am talking about because it happened to me years ago AFTER being out of an abusive marriage 26 years before; I had not dealt with the abuse I suffered from that marriage. I had a roommate and we got into an argument while she was taking me to the VA hospital one night; I kept telling her to be quiet because I did not like to argue because it reminded me of the previous abusive marriages I had been in (one in particular which happened in 1973 – it was 1999 at the time). She would not stop arguing at me and before I knew it, everything went black (I blacked out) and when I came to myself, I was beating her on the head while scratching her face and ears – she was screaming at me to stop, and the car was going all over the road! I begin to apologize profusely and she said that God let her knew what had happen; why I did it.

The arguing trigged the abuse memory from 26 years before and had me thinking I was fighting the abusive husband and I was fighting for my life!! It was like I was actually back in 1973 fighting with him; that had never happened to me before and have never happened again, thank the Lord!! I am glad she was driving because if I would have been driving and that happened, we would be dead today!! The mind is a powerful thing and it is hard to forget, especially traumatic events – when I say forget, I mean getting to the point where it does not hurt to think or talk about it!

I cannot stress not to go into another relationship before God has delivered and healed you enough! I use to do go from relationship to relationship and each one would be abusive; the only thing that was different was the abuser! My rationale was I would go with the new guy to make me forget the previous one – all that did was keep me in bondage and cause me to become a ticking time bomb! I can laugh at myself now – how silly that was:) - that shows how twisted my mind was – that logic does not make any sense – it does not work!!

I want to share part of my deliverance/healing process with you: When God delivered me out of the last abusive marriage in October 2006, He immediately delivered and healed me from the bondage of domestic violence; God broke the cycle of abuse off my life – as I said, I would go from one abusive relationship to another but after God brought me out – I did not get into another abusive relationship – and have not been in one since – that is how I know I am free!! The enemy had me thinking I could not live without a man; I could not make it without one – I had been constantly told by many of the abusive husbands that I could not make it without them or that no one else wanted me – like they were doing me a favor by being with me!! Ha! What a joke!! The enemy will try to feed us all kind of lies; that is why it is so important to get connected and stay connected to God and allow Him to bring the person He wants to be in your life!! Not that God make us marry anyone (that would go against our free will) but God knows who we is compatible with us and will put people in our path but it is up to us to choose them or we choose someone else on our own!! It makes perfect sense to allow God to bring the right person into our life since He knows the heart of every man and woman!!

The next thing God delivered and healed me from was unforgiveness – I literally hated that last guy who abused me; I could hear, see, or read his name and I would cringe – rage went all through me – now that took a while for me to get rid of but God brought me through!!

Then God delivered and healed me from one thing after the next; it was like He had a checklist checking off stuff that I needed to be delivered from but I know He did not – He is God and He knows EVERYTHING – He just knew what order I needed to be delivered in! After God helped me go through the effects from the abuse, God then begin to work on me personally (my self-esteem and identity) – God wanted me to know who I was in Him because my identity had gotten lost in the seven abusive marriage and other relationships I had been in! In the process of working on me personally, God took me back to when I was a child and begin my deliverance and healing process from my childhood issues – He went age by age; at one point, God took me back even before I was born and let me knew what was happening with my mother. I am continuing my deliverance and healing process now since I did not years ago; I thought I was “okay” because I had went through years of deliverance and healing but I found out I was not “okay” when I started having triggers that threw me back into rejection, abandonment, and neglect from my childhood – this happened because I never had a relationship with my parents. God let me knew that rejection was the real root of my problems throughout my life! I am glad to be back on track; I am not looking back at what I should have or could have done, I am moving forward NOW and allowing God to finish the work in me! It has taken me 6 ^½ years to get to this point in my recovery process and I have some ways to go still; but life is not a race and I am willing to allow God to do what He has to do in me so I can be free from everything that I was not set free from in the past; everything which tried to steal my destiny God has for me!! Our responsibility in our recovery process is to allow God to do what needs to be done in us so we can be delivered and healed and live the abundant life Jesus died so we could live!

I had layers and layers and layers of issues from my childhood/adulthood (as I said abandonment, rejection, and neglect from my parents but also seven abusive marriages which added to my childhood abandonment, neglect, and rejection; sexual assault; and the issues goes on and on! So you see, I know what I am telling you in this message is true – first because God gave me this message and secondly, I experience them!

God delivered me and healed me from the bondage of domestic violence and abuse and He can and will do the same for you if you allow Him too; if you open up to Him and don’t hinder His deliverance and healing process God has set up for you – just let God have His way in you – He will let you know when the process is over so don’t assume like I did!

You might say, “I have not been abused” but it does not matter what your traumatic experience was or is, God can deliver and heal you!! I know there is NOTHING too hard for God!!! I am a walking miracle; I would have been dead long time ago if God would not have protected me – even when I had backslide God did not turn His back on me, He loved me and still is loving me to wholeness!! God sees me as being whole because Jesus has made we whole; therefore I have partnered with God to do whatever it take for me to receive the full manifestation of His promises (my wholeness) in my life while I am here on earth!!

 

2. The second thing to do BEFORE you go into another relationship after the abuse is make sure your child(ren) are totally delivered and healed from the effects of the domestic violence/abuse you suffered and they wi...; get them into counseling as soon as possible! Although you might not think the child was  affected, he/she was affected – the child might not show it now but it will be displayed as he/she grows older (and NO, they will NOT outgrow it – it is hidden in the back of their minds) – just as you are affected by the abuse, your child is too!! Also, your child can be affected long-term from the abuse just as you can!

 

3. The third thing to do BEFORE you go into another relationship after the abuse is to find out why you were drawn into the abusive relationship(s)! In other words, what is the root cause of you getting into the abusive relationship? The majority of the time, the root cause will be something that happened in your childhood which altered your emotional well-being such as rejection, sexual abuse, etc. If rejection, abandonment, and neglect are not dealt with, its effect will spill over into your adulthood! Therefore, ALL childhood and adult issues must be dealt with and resolved! Going from one abusive relationship to another is a symptom that is coming from the root cause (most likely rejection and where rejection is you will find abandonment and neglect – these are spirits and each spirit has its own group or other spirits which are connected to it)! Remember, we are wrestling not against flesh and blood but against principalities, powers, against the rulers of darkness of this world, and spiritual wickedness in high places (Ephesians 6:12)! Get rid of the root cause and you will get rid of the symptoms – symptoms will not return!! Since the root cause feeds the symptoms once the root cause is gone, the symptoms will go! As I said before, these are spirits you are dealing with, therefore you do not know the root cause but God will bring all things back to your memory as He did for me as to reveal the root cause! If you don’t deal with the root cause of your childhood/adulthood issues and the symptoms, they could lead you back into abusive relationships; keep you in the cycle of abuse and you will remain in bondage! Sometimes there can be multiple root causes (a primary and secondary); it was for me!

I pray as you read this message that you allow the Holy Spirit to touch your heart and mind so He can reveal to you what you need to deal with in order for you and your children to walk in total healing and health; so you all can be delivered and healed from EVERY past hurt and bondage! I pray that His peace, love, joy and every fruit of the Holy Spirit will flow unrestrained in your life! I ask these things for you all in the Mighty Name of Jesus, Amen!!!

 

Additional Resources about domestic violence:  

Understanding the Effects of Domestic Violence

Being Verbally Abused? By Richard Skerritt – he was abused

The Effects of Child Sexual Abuse/Incest

The Emotional Toll of Abuse on Woman

Sociopaths

Know the Different Types of Personality Disorders

 

May God bless you and keep you!

Dr. Dorothy E. Hooks