Love, Friendship, & People

[Rev. Dr. Dorothy E. Hooks, PsyD]

After reading in my promises book, God begin to speak to me about people and friendship; this applies to me but I wanted to share it with you’ll in case you are having the same problem with trying to reach out to people so you can have friends.

My problem was I was not only looking for a close friend, a confidant, as Bishop Jakes calls them, but also someone to satisfy specific emotions (loneliness, fear, security, love, and happiness); I did not know about the emotional part. So in doing so, I tried to become friends with everyone I met; searching more to satisfy the emotional needs than to find a confidant. But after thinking about these things, God let me knew what my problem was: I was looking for someone who would satisfy my emotional needs (subconsciously). Yes, I was reaching out to people to show the love of God consciously, because the Bible said if you want friends, show yourself friendly, but the subconscious desire overruled the desire of God’s Word. I am telling you this so you can check yourself; what is the real motive behind what you do?

Sometimes, as you can see from what happened to me, we say we are doing things “In the Name of God,” but are we really? Sometimes we have a hidden agenda, which will satisfy us, which we are not even aware of. I thought I just wanted a friend who I could confide in, pray with, etc. but the real underlying reason was, I was trying to satisfy the above mentioned emotions, which got out of whack because of my traumatic childhood and abusive marriages. This “quest,” as I call it, to satisfy those specific emotions mentioned above, has been going on in me since a child. For all who have read my book, “Unholy Matrimony: Healing For The Abused Woman,” you know my story, and for those who have not read it, you can download it from Amazon.com; this is not the time to go into that here. I am living proof that stuff can be in you for years and you don’t even know it. I found out that deliverance is a process and God delivers each person differently. As for me, after I rededicated my life back to God in April 2004, He began my deliverance process and is still delivering me today from old, old stuff that was buried deep inside of me. The more I seek after Him, the more He reveals to me what is going on and what I need to be delivered from. I thank God for His deliverance and that I can hear Him speak to me to tell me what’s wrong with me. Many are too proud to ask God for deliverance or think they do not need deliverance; they are wrong, we can always be delivered from something – we have not arrived YET! God’s truth is what sets us free, not what we think or feel; those thoughts and feelings are coming out of a wounded, sin sick soul, they are false so do not trust them. Our souls must be restored and only God can restore our souls.

See, God revealed my problem to me because I was always asking Him to reveal what is wrong in me. I am constantly asking God to purge me and let the Fire of the Holy Spirit burn everything up in me so I can be effective in everything He has called me to do. I am always asking God to check me to make sure there is nothing going on in me that should not be; asking for His deliverance from everything from my past that would hinder the call that He has placed on my life. In other words, I take regular inventory of myself to make sure I am lined up with the things of God. We must do this Saints, in order to keep our vessels clean and spotless; we are to be vessels of honor and walk in the character and integrity of God.

These are the revelations I received from God after He told me what my problem WAS (thank God, He has set me free from seeking after people to satisfy the above emotions – only God can heal the damaged emotions in your soul – that is what He has done for me – Praise God!):

People are incapable of loving you like you think they should; and God is not going to force anyone to love you because it’s their choice. I found out the hard way that people are not going to always love you when you love them; even people confessing Christ. We all have our crosses to bear – one of mind was people. I had to face reality: just because I had made the decision to reach out to people, to show them the love of God, did not mean they would accept it. We are all on different levels and because I wanted to obey the Word of God, that did not mean everyone was going to join me; again, it’s their choice – now I know better.

When God does something for me, I am excited and I want to share it with others so they can be blessed too; but everyone did not received what I was saying nor were they happy for me. I learned that sometimes, the person was jealous of me or they were not ready to go to the next level in God. But I tried to drag them along with me when God did not tell me too; I was setting myself up for rejection and disappointment and all other baggage that these bring trying to satisfy my emotional needs.

Like I said before, you can’t force anyone to love you; only God can touch the heart of a person but He can’t do anything with a person until that person give Him their heart. But even then, God will not make anyone love you who don’t want too and I don't want anyone to be forced to love me; I want people in my life who will love me for who I am - not be forced or bribed to love me - that is not genuine love!

These are some things we have to ask ourselves when people don’t respond to us when we try to reach out to them: How long did it take me to get to my level? How long did it take me to decide to show the love of God? Well it might take that person I am trying to connect with longer than it took me. So, in the meantime, while we are waiting for him/her to respond to our friendship offer, pray for them and love them. My ex-Pastor in Ft. Lauderdale, Charlie Mae Carpenter, use to say, “It’s not how people treat you but it’s how you treat them.” In other words, God is not going to hold you responsible for how they treated you but how you treated them. In the end, it all boils down to, "Is this a person you are supposed to be connected with in the first place?" In my recent message, "Walk In The Spirit," God gave me a powerful revelation about being connected to people spiritually ("Walk In The Spirit!" Series); He used David and Jonathan as an example - God let me that David and Jonathan has a strong relationship because they were spiritually connected. This is the key to having a good friendship, especially is this is going to be a person you confide in. We are to show the love of God of everyone but everyone cannot be our friends; they cannot be in our inner circle!! You have people who you meet and are instantly connected spiritually with (this has happened to me several times), you have people who you meet and have "weather talk" with as my Pastor Bob Sparks call it, and you have people who you meet and your spirit man tells you to "run." Therefore, the ONLY people you want to bring into your innermost circle, have close to your heart, are the people you are spiritually connected to!! Don't meet a total stranger and start sharing your heart with!! Let God lead you in all your ways and you will NEVER be heartbroken again by people!!

When God allow people to do things to us, it’s not about what they have done; He is after something in us which cause us to react in a certain manner. Have you ever wondered why God allow all these people to come around you that “get on your last nerve?” It’s like every time you turn around this particular type of person is coming up to you and saying the wrong thing – pushing your buttons. You know why? Because you are going to go round and round the mountain with that thing until you realize, it’s not about what they are saying, it’s something within you that God is trying to get YOU to see it needs correcting – you have a problem. It’s not the person at all; it’s you. Remember when Jesus was lead before Pilate, and when He was on the cross? They said and did all kinds of things to Jesus, trying to provoke Him, but Jesus did not say a word.

So the enemy can use people to come against us all he want but we do not have to respond; we do not have to get offended, which cause us to react.

I use to say, my ex-husband made me angry – I blamed him for me being angry because he knew which buttons to push to make me “fly off the handle.” But God spoke to me and told me he didn’t make me anger, he only brought out what was already in me. God took me back to my childhood and reminded me how angry I was as a child – I use to tear up my clothes that my aunt made me when I got angry with her, slam my bike against the chimney, and hide under the house and would not answer when I was called, when I got angry; I would have temper tantrums. I was angry at my mother and father for rejecting and abandoning me and took it out on everyone else; as I grew, so did the anger.

Side Note:

I want to stop here a minute and talk to parents; if you have an angry child (ages 1, 2, or 3 – have to start when they are young) please, take it serious; discipline them and get them some help (prayer, counseling, etc.). You might think, “Oh they will grow out of it,” not all the time. I was 2 years when I was taken from my mother by the court and given to my great grandmother. Because of this, the older I grew, the bitterer I became. My mother and I had a chaotic relationship after this until around 1997; she died in March 1999 so we only had 2 good years together. I thought I would never forgive her; I did not want to let go of the bitterness and angry – I felt justified. But I thank God I did; especially before she died! My father and I only saw each other some holidays and some of my birthdays; we never grew close but I have forgiven him - even today my father does not want a relationship with me but I still love him and am moving on by God's grace!

Therefore, parents don’t allow your children to grow up angry and bitter at you. Please don’t call your children names and say things like, “You’re stupid” or “You will never amount to nothing.” Also, don’t abuse them in any way; you can discipline them without abusing them. Parents love your children and train them up in the way of the Lord and when they get old, His way will not depart from them. Tell them you love them and show them; don’t say, “Oh they know I love them.” No, tell them and show them; hug them and show them affection. Showing them love does not mean you don’t chastise them though; you must discipline them. God loves us but He does not let us do as we please; and if we do, we pay the consequence(s). So please discipline your children now, before it is too late. Oh yeah, the temper tantrums I had as a child did not go away after I became an adult; I still had them. When I could not have my way, I would throw a temper tantrum (it did not matter where I was – at the store, home, office, etc.); I would yell, scream, pout, throw things, and not speak to the person I was angry with for days, weeks or longer. This was because even though I had forgiven my mother, I had not dealt with the spirit of offense which was planted in me at the age of 2 (although I did not realize it at the time). So every time someone who said the wrong thing to me or told me “No,” I would fly off the handle, get angry and unforgiveness for that incident would set up in me; then came the bitterness, resentment, etc. all over.

So my mother was not the only one I was angry with, I was also angry at my father and everyone else who did not give me what I wanted, when I wanted it, and how I wanted it; I got offended with anyone who did not allow me to have my way. This was due to the fact that my great grandmother, whom I loved very much (she did in 1974), spoiled me. As a child, although I did not have a mother or father, I got every material thing I wanted; my grandmother and aunt (not the one I use to get angry with) made sure I had everything I needed. I am not blaming my grandmother in a negative way, I said that to say this to grandmothers, be careful not to spoil your grandchildren to the extent of causing them damage in adulthood.

Since I got everything as a child, and my grandmother catered to me, I thought everybody would when I became an adult; but it did not work out like that – I was tossed to and fro – living an angry adulthood life because people did not treat me the same as my grandmother did. Now I know they could not have, it was a different type of love my grandmother had for me than the world could give; I was so much in bondage then but I thank God for delivering me.

This is why I can tell you these things; I have walked through them and I want to help you go through and be delivered too. I never give you my opinion on anything; my opinion will not set you free but God’s Word will; I share with you what God gives me. When He say share my testimony, I do; He tells me to share what is relevant at that particular time. So I am begging you parents, please help your children grow up to be the best they can be in God. Love them while they are young so they won’t grow up looking for love in all the wrong places. So they won’t grow up and allow themselves to be abused or become the abuser. END SIDE NOTE

Summary of Points:

*Take inventory of your own self; ask God to show you YOU. Ask Him what is He after in you; the thing(s) that has been holding you up for years but you keep pointing the finger at others when the problem lies within.

*Stop expecting people to give you what only God can give. We put too many demands on people; they are not God – they are human. Humans are fallible, they will let you down but God will never let you down, He is infallible. People cannot be with you always but God can and will.

*Just because you “show yourself friendly,” does not mean people are going to receive you or they will do the same. Remember, everyone is not on your level; everyone has not has not receive that same revelation as you. How long did it take for you to decide to reach out to people? Maybe it’s going to take that those people you are reaching out to longer to come to the revelation you have received. Friendships do not happen overnight! They must be built on the proper foundation (love, trust, honesty, integrity, respect, etc.). And everyone you meet is not supposed to become your friend. Ask God when people come into your life, their purpose. God will send you the friends He want you to have; then and only then will you be spiritually connected to the person and not naturally connected.

*Don’t waste your time, energy, and money searching for friends to fulfill your emotional needs. Use that time and energy to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness then everything else will follow. A friend cannot fill the loneliness within you, take away your fears, and make you secure, or make you happy; only God can do that. If you are looking for someone to fulfill these emotional needs, your soul needs healing. God will go into your soul and heal you from the wounds of the past; as He did me. Friendships alone cannot satisfy the deep soul emotions inside of us from the past. When we expect a person to comfort us, cause us not to be fearful, lonely, or to make us happy, we put undue burdens on them because they cannot do that – only God can. I use to look to people for them to satisfy my emotional needs until God taught me differently. I would get angry at them when they could not “satisfy” the needs in me but God let me knew they cannot – only He can. When we try to make people satisfy the things in us what only God can, we are making them our gods; we are looking to them instead of looking unto God to satisfy us. I had to repent when He showed me that. People were always hurting me but it wasn’t the people’s fault, it was mine. I was looking for them to satisfy my emotional needs in my life (loneliness, fear, love, happiness, and insecurity) and when they didn’t (because they couldn’t); I would feel rejected – again. Even my mother and father could not satisfy the needs I had as a child because they did not know how – they were not taught. Now I see it clearly (because of God opening my eyes), I don’t blame them anymore. I do not blame anyone who has hurt me because they could not give me what I needed; only God could/can. I ask them to forgive me for putting that undue burden on them – a task they could not possibly fulfill.

I pray that you would allow the Holy Spirit to reveal to you the inner hurts you need delivering from and allow God to take you on your journey to obtain your inner healing!!

God bless and may the peace of God rest, rule and abide in your hearts and minds forever!

Remember, you cannot have peace without the Prince of Peace and His Name is Jesus! If you do not know Jesus as YOUR personal Lord and Savior, why not accept Him today? He is waiting on YOU with His arms wide open!! If you have back slid, come back to Jesus today! NOW! Rededicated your life back to God; come, Jesus is waiting on you too!! Time is winding down so don't be lost for ALL eternity!! There is a heaven and there is a hell and when you die, you will spend all eternity in one place or the next!! Choose life today! Life that can ONLY be found in accepting Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior and remaining in Him until He return for His Bride!!

In His Service,
Dr. Dorothy E. Hooks