Violence & Abuse Recovery Program: Getting Beyond the After Effects of Violence & Abuse" Session Three Part 3A Dec 3, 2013

[Rev. Dr. Dorothy E. Hooks, PsyD]

AWM Violence & Abuse Recovery Program Agenda Session 3 Part 3A  – Dec 3, 2013

1. Start session with prayer – ask Holy Spirit to give you understanding and give you inner healing

    

2. Study each part of session highlighted – this program as well as the other ones focus on healing of the spirit, soul, & body

    

3. Rap Up – write down any questions you may have and send them to me before the next part is sent to you on Tuesday

    

4. Homework: complete any homework for this session and return to me before for next Tuesday 

    

5. Close in Prayer – just pray what you feel in your heart

    

6. NEXT PART WILL BE POSTED TUESDAY DECEMBER 10th

    

Violence & Abuse Recovery Program

Lesson: Session Three – Part 3A – Study This

Open in prayer: Father I thank You for giving these group members Your wisdom, knowledge and understanding as they study this teaching; help them to recover completely in the Name of Jesus, Amen!

Session Three’s Goal: to recognize Abuse and its Cycle

• Understand Why Abusers Abuse – Part 3A – Dec 3rd

• Understand Why The Victim Stays – Part 3A – Dec 3rd

• Develop Strategies for Breaking the Cycle of Abuse - Part 3B – Dec 10th /Part 3C-Jan 14th  / Part 3D - Jan 21st/ Part 3D -1 & 3D-2-Jan 28th

Read Session Foundation: Breaking the cycle of abuse begins with acknowledgement of where you are and what you responsibilities in a situation are. Even the victim must recognize why they stay in a violent and abusive situation. When we acknowledge our own issues aside from the other person’s then we can make a decision about how to change the behavior that keeps us locked in the cycle of abuse.

Scripture basis: The fool who provokes his family to anger and resentment will finally have nothing worthwhile left. He shall be the servant of a wiser man…Proverbs 11:29 TLB

So you can say, the person who provokes anyone to anger and resentment will finally have nothing worthwhile left.

Procedures – Homework: Look at why do people, why do victims stay, and how to break the cycle of abuse (Homework is based on questions below; use your own words to answer each question).

1. Why do people abuse? ***(Give your opinion – write out and turn in before the next teaching )*** 

Characteristics of the perpetrator – lack of communication; poor self-image; jealousy; cultural upbringing; alcohol and/or drugs; mental illness; power & control; learned behavior.

 

Note: 80% of people who abuse do so while under the influence of alcohol or drugs.

2. Why do victims stay? Fear; children; economic dependency; shame; religious/cultural beliefs; hope for change; no place to go; low self-esteem; toxic love; denial, denial, denial… It also says something about you, you do not value yourself as a human being. You are not seeing that you are “fearfully and wonderfully” made in the image of God. And you will only see that once you are out of the abusive relationship. After God has cleaned you up from the filth of the relationship, He will begin to open your eyes to who you are; you must come out though from the “drama” so you can clearly see.

A. Fear – What do they fear? - Loss  of life; children being hurt; not being able to make it on their own; not knowing where they will go; being considered a failure in the relationship. 

B. Children - Belief that children need both parents; do not want children to suffer financial hardships; if children are not abused then they are okay. But the children are abused, they are being abused every time the abuser abuses you; the trauma of seeing you get beat over and over will haunt them later if they does not receive counseling. Because abuse is a learned behavior, remember? So they will grow up becoming an abuser or becoming a victim if they do not receive help also after you leave the abuser. 

C. Economic Dependency – Lacking education/skill; doesn’t think they can be self-sufficient; never handled the finances. That’s why the abuser takes full control of the finances so they will keep you depending on them; as we learned in Session Two. The strategy of the abuser is to keep you there with them and they will do everything they can to accomplish their purpose. You think they married you or got into a relationship with you for “love” but sorry to disappoint you, you were an easy “mark” for them. They saw the neediness in you (looking for love) and you became to them someone they can totally manipulate and control. They could not get back at the person who hurt them in their childhood so you became their scapegoat. Everything they were told as a child (“you never will be nothing,” “you are nothing without me,” etc.) they will tell you.  The abuser has the same mindset of a military sniper on a mission; they will capture or kill their “mark;” whatever their orders are to take control of the situation; so will the abuser but his orders are coming from inside his delusional mind. He is living his childhood abuse out through you; what was done to him, he is doing it to you.

The abuser is incapable of love because they do not know how to love; they were never shown affection so they do not know how to give affection. They too must be trained in the things they should have received as a child from their parents but did not. But it is going to be much harder for them because they do not think anything is wrong with them. But it is not your responsibility to train them; you need to get to safety, you and your children (if any) so you’ll can recover. There are professionals who are more capable than you to treat the abuser.

They must take responsibility for themselves by seeking out professional help on their own. And NO, do not return to the relationship while he is seeking help, if he decides to. A lot of times, this is a ploy of his to get you to come back into the relationship. DON’T DO IT! (Been there done that and have seen it happened to others; that’s not judging, that’s wisdom from God). As I said before, you are the abuser’s mark, and will do anything you capture you and control you, even if it means killing you. So domestic violence escape is nothing to play with; your life and children’s lives (if any) depends on it.

D. Religious Beliefs – Feels separation and divorce are wrong; already sought help from clergy and were told it was their lot in life or stay and pray; failed marital counseling.

E. Low Self-Esteem – Devalued; isolated; taking responsibility for the abuse; believe it is the best they can have; shame; feels trapped.

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In His Service,

Dr. Dorothy E. Hooks

             

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NOTE: These materials in the AWM Violence & Abuse Recovery Program are copyright protected therefore you must request permission to reproduce any part of this material. To request permission, please contact Dr. Dorothy E. Hooks: dehooks@abusedwoman