The Hardest Word

[Michael Shanlian Ph.D.]

I was watching Dr. Phil today talking with some parents whose teenagers were out of control. These teens were the quintessential 'bad girls'. They had absolutely no respect for authority especially mom and dad. They drank, smoked, stayed out late and hung out with boys that used and abused them. One of the girls demanded that daddy buy her a car or she would not go on the Dr. Phil show. When the family arrived at the set to tape the show the same daughter who demanded the car did not want to appear on stage. The show went on without her. After almost an hour of talking with the parents Dr. Phil realized these teens needed some intensive immediate therapy. Dr. Phil arranged for some rehabilitation for the girls at a cutting edge ranch for wayward teens. The parents agreed to send them but when they left the show two months went by before the girls were taken to the ranch. The day the girls arrived they showed up late. The girls were very defiant and disruptive. The ranch had very strict rules about make up, cell phones, Internet etc... The parents had to sign a contract stating they would abide by and support these rules. Mom could not take it and decided to rescue her babies by sneaking cell phones and makeup into the ranch. Today's show was the follow up to see how the girls were doing at the ranch and understand the mind set of the parents.

Listening to Dr. Phil interviewing the parents it became painfully clear they had a word missing from their vocabulary. The word was 'no'. The real problem in this family was not the teens but the parents! Like many other well meaning moms and dads they operated under the illusion that a happy child is an indulged child. Give Johnny and Susie everything they want and they will be our friends and not rebel or cause any trouble. Dr. Phil concluded that despite the parents good intentions they just did not get it. Dr. Phil arranged some counseling for the parents because he believed if the girls came back home all the progress made at the ranch would be sabotaged.

The word 'no' is powerful. It does get a bad rap especially from a know-it-all teenager. Saying yes to every request and desire of a child is like handing them a loaded gun and telling them to go play in the road. This is why some people hesitate to embrace God. God sometimes invokes the word 'no'. Could it be He knows something we do not? After all He created us and understands the dangerous temptations and pitfalls facing us and the disastrous results. There is something in the human brain that triggers a defensive mechanism to the word 'no'. God placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden where they had access to anything they needed. They lived in a literal Utopia. Yet it was not enough. God told them 'no' about eating from one tree in the middle of the garden. Satan came along disguised as a serpent and explained to Eve, ' if you eat of that tree you will know as much as God". In other words, God is holding out on you! Even in a perfect world, Eve could not stand to hear the word 'no'. She decided to eat and convinced Adam to do the same. Well as they say, "the rest is history". I guess saying 'no' will always be the hardest word in the English language to say and hear even when it is for our own good!

[Dr. Henry, President of the AOCI]

Dr. Shanlian, this is so true. We all despise the word "No" especially when the LORD tells us...LOL. Thank you for this much needed article, especiallly as we see teens who are "completely" out of control in this society. Parents need to understand that it is discipline and then delight. God bless you Dr. Shanlian. Have a great day,